oh Jeffery...

"When life gives you a Jeffery, stroke the furry wall" 

- Get Him to the Greek

Life handed me a Jeffery this week, thankfully not in the form of hallucinogen (or maybe not so thankfully?) but rather in the form an alarmingly needy person whose lack of social skills made me want to punch things.

Occasionally I worry about my proclivity towards physical violence when in the midst of frustrating situations, then I remembered that I've yet to ever indulge in these urges and I find that comforting.  I suspect that it's not the violence so much as the endorphins that I get from something intensely physical like kick boxing or running that I'm actually craving in these moments, a craving that somehow ends up translating into an itchy left foot.  But, I digress. Around three in the afternoon I put my head down on my desk (which did not in fact stem the stream of incessant requests) and wondered "why the hell do I do this?"  

I do this because of this: 

January 25, 2011

What you see before you, is all of the data that I collected from my first study ever.  It's the first therapeutic study I was ever in charge of,  from set-up to close-out it was mine: my responsibility and my problem.  Add my shelves of data to that of a hundred other sites across the world and do you know what you get?  You get an IND that was approved by the FDA for open-label use.  The drug that we were testing in this study has gone on to be approved by the FDA and my patients who were receiving it on study (translation: with mildly annoying strings attached) are no receiving it open-label (translation: free of strings.)

I was (a very small) part of bringing a drug from the "maybe this might help" stage, to the "yeah, this helps and we're giving it to people" stage.

Jeffery's be damned, THIS is why I do this.  The sculpture art is just a perk.

Kitty in a bag

I had a teacher in high school who taught us to never apologize preemtively.  He had a distinct issues with poets, musicians or whoever (he'd have a problem with that use of "whoever" by the way) who would get up on stage and promptly genuflect to crowd, begging their indulgence for being a female singing a song written for a man or for their first, flawed attempts at writing in verse.  Just get up there and do what you came to do, he told us, if they're going to criticize you, they're going to do it whether you did it first or not.

He was right.  If you are willing to get up there in front of everyone there's no point in pretending that you don't stand behind what you're about to do. It's fear that makes us do this, fear that people will knowingly judge what we poured our heart and soul into and in doing so, somehow judge a piece of our soul. It's risky business to be sure.

So despite the fact that you may have discerned a correlation between my forgetting to take a picture until late at night and the posting of kitty picture as my picture of the day, I will not be apologizing for it. This is my blog.  These are pieces of me.   

January 24, 2012

It's never too late to resolve

I've changed my mind about not having New Years Resolutions. It's a position reversal to be sure but it's still less than 30 days into the new year and if I'd purchased my no-resolution position in the store, I'd still be able to return it for a full refund. And if it weren't so soon after the new year?  I'd still get to change my mind anyways because I've decided that I get to do that.

At the behest of a few fabulous friends, I do here and now declare my 2012 Resolution:

I will stop being friends with people who routinely insult me.

Not to be too dramatic but this places more than a few people on the chopping block, so you best check yo'selves be fo' you wreck yo'selves.

Several methods of ex-naying these non-friends have been suggested. My favorites include a Facebook status update (a la "if you would like to know the status of our friendship, please check FB at midnight...") followed by a mass un-friending.  Oh if I had it in me I would, but I don't, so I won't.

More likely than a Facebook maneuver (yet incrdibly unlikely over all) is a form letter that almost certainly would warrant a submission to PassiveAggressiveNotes.com (Dear Ex-Friend, it has come to my attention that you are an asshole.  According to my records you were an ass on the following occasions...)

So, while I can't tell you for sure the method by which I'll be implementing this resolution, most likely I'll just stop returning phone calls (take that for passive aggressive!) but if you are one of those who feel compelled routinely comment on my weight, the worthiness of my work, the things I find enjoyable or the way I choose to live my life, we will be parting ways sooner rather than later.

Life is just WAY too short to spend with it  people who rob me of my joy or make me feel like less than I am.

DB's Beware

Keep your shit in check or you might find yourself listed on the wall of douche bags. 

January 23, 2012

Current scores stand as follows:

• Me: 2 1/2 Situational Douche Bag points

• Leslie: 1 1/2 Situational Douche Bag points

• John: 2 Situational Douche Bag points + 1 Drama Queen Award 

• Arnold Schwarzenegger (1) is a Douche Bag with No Hope of Recovery

John and I both feel that these scores are inaccurate due to our failure to accurately record all of Leslie's douche baggery, we will be focusing on this in the coming quarter.

An unexpected ally

"The selection of a Republican candidate for the presidency of this globalized and expansive empire is — and I mean this seriously — the greatest competition of idiocy and ignorance that has ever been,"

- Fidel Castro 

Of all the things in this world that I could never have imagined happening, that Fidel Castro would utter words that made me go "YES!! EXACTLY!" is near the top of that list and yet it happened.  Believe in the unbelievable folks, that's where the money's at. 

Found on:  http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2012/01/25/international/i083830S42.DTL#ixzz1kaCwI5Gs

A twofer

I've always been a little perplexed by the plastic shields that they put over magazines in grocery store check-out lines.  Not perplexed in the "what are they there for" way (that much I get), but in the "do we really need these?"  kind of way.  It's always seemed a little Fahrenheit 451 for my liking but, I can imagine that the salacious headlines on the Enquirer might not be what you want your four year old kid looking at when you stop at the store for milk and a bottle of wine wine.  Nothing that oh, I don't know, a little parenting couldn't counteract but since I know how much parents just love to get parenting opinions from those with no children, I'll just let that go.

On my way out of the store the other day (with my wine and milk) I noticed that cover of Vanity Fair was shielded.

January 22, 2012

This struck me a little odd since Vanity Fair is a pretty main-stream, reputable publication, you know, the kind that former Presidents and  Pulitzer Prize winners contribute to on a regular basis. It's the kind of magazine that can sustain you through an entire two hour plane ride, unlike US Weekly which, while enjoyable, barely gets me through take-off. 

It seemed a little out of the ordinary that its cover would be so risque as to require censoring so I peaked under the cover to see what half-naked pop star had to be hidden and oh my...

January 22, 2012

keep those fully clothed, men in their mid-forties under wraps! Thank goodness that we have a plastic shield for this one because it's magazine covers like this that threaten the sanctity of marriage in this country.

Cute as a Button

More pictures of al fresco winter dining in Florida, just to rub it in a leetle bit more with my norther reader.  One might infer from the hoodie that it's chilly outside but really it was in the 70s and we just happen to be the worlds biggest pansies.

January 21, 2012

Internet world, please meet my friend Kristin.  She's fabulous for several reasons, two of which being that she has her own blog (check it out here) and she shamelessly puts what might be the worlds BIGGEST sunglasses on one of the tiniest faces I've seen on a grown person.  How can you not love that?

Please sir, may I have some more

One of my new life resolutions has been to eat breakfast.  I hate breakfast.  Actually hate might be too strong of a word, but at the very least I loathe eating breakfast.  I'm not hungry when I get up and it goes against every I-want-to-be-thin bone in my body to eat when I'm not hungry (you know, when it's not french fries or dessert) but the side of me that is swayed by evidence based arguments knows that I need to eat it.  

So here is evidence that I'm eating not only breakfast but a healthy, protein-y, complex carb-y and fruity breakfast. It's the fuel for my mother fucking day and I'm eating every single god damned morning. This had better be worth it.

January 19, 2012

And I shall call it...Acrobat

Ever wonder what gets done with those billions of dollars allocated by the federal government toward cancer research?

Voila! Sculpture Art created by an unnamed member of the crackerjack, Heme/Onc Clinical Trials team.

January 18, 2012

Insert Frowny Face Here

Oh work - why must thou be such a cranky asshole some days?

January 17, 2011

RAKSAB*

The Friday before Wes moved out, I had to be at work for a Site Initiation Visit.  Twelve hours after we decided he would be leaving and forty eight hours before he actually left, it goes down as one of the hardest days I've ever had to face.  That's the problem with work though, it doesn't take a hiatus to accommodate a crumbling personal life.  I'd like to say that I rallied like a champ on this day but I think realistically (and optimistically) the best that can be said is that I pulled it together.  Site Initiations are not the most active of days, they require a lot of sitting around, answering questions as they arise and basically watching someone else check things of their list. It's not the kind of day that you can lose yourself in being busy and it's THE WORST kind of day to have when your head is a dark, twisty, sad place.

We broke for lunch and I found myself standing alone in the conference room frantically wiping away tears and trying to muster the strength to wrap myself tightly enough around my aching heart to regain some measure of control.  As I stood in that corner, Erica, one of the Clinic PCA's walked in, took both of my damp hands in hers, looked me straight in the eye and said: "Anna, I don't know what it is, but all you have to do is keep breathing until it's over." She gave me a hug and walked back out into the hallway to get on with her day.

She never mentioned it again and has never asked what was wrong or asked for any kind of explanation.  It was a moment of kindness that got me through a really terrible day and gesture that I probably won't ever forget. 

I don't know why I feel compelled to share this now, I don't even know why I remembered it this morning.  Maybe enough time has passed that I can see it a little more clearly or maybe it just needed to be remembered out loud.

*RAKSAB: Random Acts of Kindness, Senseless Acts of Beauty 

I think I'm alone now...

January 16, 2012

Happy Birthday Mama and Aunt Sue!

I know how much I love having a sister, so I can only imagine that it must be pretty darn awesome to have a twin.  Plus, Fred and George Weasley were twins and if it's in Harry Potter then it must be a good thing.

January 15, 2012

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

The perks of living in Florida are never so pronounced as in January...

January 12, 2012

January 13, 2012

Underpants!

This past summer I went to New Orleans with Erica (Sister #1) and Javeriah (D-3) for Erica's birthday.  While we were there we at a lot of great food, drank what I believe to be an impressive array of drinks and saw not a few pairs of underpants hanging in trees.  I mean, it's New Orleans, if there's going to be underpants hanging in tree they ought to be hanging next to Mardi Gras beads. 

So imagine my surprise when, at lunch the other day I noticed Leslie looking over my shoulder to I turned around and there they were: underpants in the tree. 

January 11, 2012

One cannot help but be impressed by the arm on that soro-ho who managed to heave her extra-small thong up into that tree.

I HATE this bumper sticker

but it's time to end the tyranical control that it has over me.  No more shall this be known as the Bumper Sticker of Doom.  NO MORE I SAY!  Hence forth it shall be known as The Former Harbinger of Doom That No Longer Means Beans.

January 10, 2012

Post Soup-Cheese-Chocolate Tourte Carnage

I do so enjoy soup and cheese night with foodie friends.  It's always tasty and sometimes, just sometimes, someone adopts a new kitteh and snuggles abound!

January 10, 2012

Fingers towards heaven please

You can't read the note but it says "Pittsburgh Sucks!"  All in honor of the Broncos' triumph over evil Roethlisberger - fingers towards heaven Tebow fans!

January 8, 2012

Success CAN be had without a label maker!

I threatened to bring a label maker but I didn't have one, so I just used tape, a sharpie and some index cards instead.  Project Organize Spare Room was a success!!

January 7, 2012

In the Interest of Doing the Bobcat Pretzal

Dear Future Hotter Anna,

I will have you know that today, instead of going home and watching Gossip Girl on the couch, I chose to go to Big Ron Yoga.

Just in case you don't remember, the first time you went to Big Ron's Yoga you hated it because Big Ron's Yoga is Hot Yoga.  But you've continued to go (albeit a bit irregularly) because it's hard. It's harder than running and it's harder than graduate school and something that hard warrants a little effort no?  Come to find out you don't take well to being bad at any kind of exercise.  Despite your complete lack of athletic prowess up to this point, you seem to pride yourself on being a physically strong-ish and capable person and sucking at yoga was a bit of a blow.   Honestly, I did this today (and every other day) with the hopes that you might exist one day.

I've been dreaming about pancakes since this afternoon.  Specifically, I'm dreaming about the homemade banana pancakes with warm butter, maple syrup that are literally EVERYWHERE on Pinterest today. Even more specifically, I want these pancakes:

Even though all I wanted today was these banana pancakes I still went to 100 minutes of yoga in a 105 degree room.  Truth be told, as usually, I felt pretty awesome once it was done.

I tell you all of this so that maybe in five or so years I can do this:



When this happens, I really hope that you take a minute to thank the current, soon to be former chubby, not so strong or coordinated Anna for todays decision.

Love,

Still-Getting-There-Anna


Thank you iPhone camara

What, oh what, did we do before camara phones?

January 6, 2012

If real politicians could talk like Aaron Sorkin

  "I want women to have help from the government. I want women to earn what men earn. I want everyone to earn enough so that everyone can make the right choice for their family, and after that, it's none of your business who stays home and who goes to work. You don't know more about raising a family than I do."

...then maybe I'd feel less discouraged about this upcoming election.

These Boots are Made for Walking

Give him a stick to hold on to, occasionally make some vrooming noises and he's the most cheerful walking partner a girl could ask for.  Throw his mama into the deal and you've got yourself a lovely hour each afternoon.

January 5, 2012

And if I find, how much will I find

And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always

The Wrath from Whatever High Atop the Thing

"What?!  Do you want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing? Now go outside, turn around three times and spit. What the hell's the matter with you?"

Eye on the ball...just like Timmy Tebow do

"No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see the possibilities - always see them, for they're always there" 

- Norman Vincent Peale

That throw? That stiff arm?  It's all that is man.

Nary a vom to be felt

Victory is mine! 100 minutes of hot yoga and I...wait for it...didn't feel like vomiting once.  This is major progress in my up until now seemingly fruitless attempts at enjoying and being good at yoga.  Maybe this is my year. :)

Accessorizing is the key

January 3, 2012

Next year, BB will be rocking a little holiday accessory of her own.

Healthy Eating for the New Year

January 2, 2012

I had to take my new immersion blender for a spin and thought why not some green soup?

Things that weren't even on the list

I didn't make a list last year.  You know, that list that people make at the new year, detailing all of the things that they plan to do in the coming year, it's New Years resolutions for the verbose and indecisive.  I'm opposed to these lists (at least for myself) just as much as I am opposed to new years resolutions. I also resist watching movies when they get amazing reviews and stubbornly try not to like people that everyone adores.  What can I say, I have a small squeaky heart that resists going with the flow even the flow is of a positive nature. 

I think my opposition to new years lists and resolutions is 98% word choice because I'm totally okay with goals and "things I want to do next year" but making a full on list seems...well, rather restrictive.  Every time I've made one these lists I have not prepared nor put real thought into them and thus the results are an annual bucket list that's based off of...well, nothing.  I then proceed to completely forget about it until next year rolls around and I realize that shockingly, I didn't climb Mt. Everest, learn glass blowing or fit into a size 4.

Despite not having made a list or a resolution a lot of great and not so great things happened last year. most of which I would never in a hundred years have thought to put on a list. So, honor of finally understanding what that hell a "deconstructed sandwich" is I present to you:

Things that Happened Last Year That Weren't on Any List

1. Ran a 5K to support Breast Cancer Research and raise awareness for ISR with Club Fun.
2. Lounged in the warm winter South Florida sun with Club Fun drinking ridiculously strong fruity drinks.
3. Made a 20 foot straw.
4. Went skiing for four days in Park City, Utah.
5. Faced, for two whole, terrible seconds, what losing my mom would be like. 
6. Ate a luxurious lunch with my sister by the Atlantic Ocean.
7. Spent a long weekend at the beach with my family, complete with tacos, seafood and beer.  Who says spring break ends after college?
8. Had a giant, public, humiliating, friendship ending, angst inducing, brawl.  God, please let that one never need be repeated.
9. Established a legit Baby Mafia - seven strong and growing! 
10. Bought a car.  I really hated this one, it was stressful, sweaty, angsty and fucking expensive but I did it - just like the big kids do. 
11. Drank beer and listened to really terrible live jazz on St. Pete beach with Monica.
12. Figured out a way to make quinoa taste good.  (FTR: mix it with cottage cheese, veggies, and cheddar and make it into a cake.)
13. Learned how to brew beer - and when I say "learned" I mean sat around drinking it while occasionally paying attention to what Steve was doing.
14. Welcomed a certain Jack Anderson Bullivant to the world.  Welcome to Mafia little man, YOU are destined for a lofty position within The Family.
15. Learned how to wakeboard.
16. Drank Apple Pie Moonshine - it really REALLY tastes like apple pie.
17. Staged a coup: I am now the proud owner of Annie's Red Umbrella Cafe in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. Call for reservations. Bikers not welcome.
18. TP-ed a cubicle.  Not as exciting as TPing a whole house but enjoyable nonetheless.
19. Had an AMAZING birthday party at my favorite restaurant with almost all of my favorite people and endless vodka gimlets.  The endless drink thing probably need not be repeated.
20. Welcomed the lovely Lily Grace Asa to my growing Baby Mafia, and on Nurse Leslie's birthday too!
21. Coerced Nurse Leslie up on stage at the Piano Bar to be sung to by two very odd pianomen...AND got pictures of it! Yep - that was me!  Muahahhaah!
22. Did, what was to date, THE HARDEST thing I've ever had to do...yet lived to tell the tale.  So far anyways.
23. Was the lucky beneficiary of Erica and Monica's "The Plan."  Might I recommend such an amazing regimen to all of the recently heartbroken.
24. Found out, in no uncertain terms that I am beyond lucky in friendship and family.
25. Went to my 10 year high school reunion.
26. Had an impromptu tailgate 80s dance party.
27. Made a bet on some yarn, three pennies and a cigarette over a tiny red jacket.
28. Learned how to knit.
29. Attended the Blake-Kukulka Thanksgiving. 
30. Bought my own Christmas tree, had it tied to the roof of my teeny car and brought it home all on my own.
31. Started an office  holiday decoration competition
32. Learned how to make baklava and stuffed grape leaves -- this will come in handy!
33. Drank margaritas on Christmas day with my sister.
34. Celebrated Gabe's Dirty 30 Burfday complete with chocolate, drinks and fun. 

What next?

There aren't a lot of things that have stayed the same this past year but here's two of them: people asking when I'm going to go back to school and that I really don't want to go back to school. 
I've totally brought this upon myself by sharing my aimless musings of the past two years about the possibility going to nursing school or a history PhD program with, well, just about everyone I know but I'm really REALLY sorry about than and can everyone please just forget it now?

I assume that a huge part of this is because I, from time to time, bitch about my job: the pay, the sadness inherent in working in oncology and the frustrations inherent in working with MD's and people in general. That much is mine and I own it because I should stop whining, about my job and in general.  But I suspect that another part of the trouble is that this good job that I enjoy is not anywhere near that for which I went to school. Hell, you can barely make a logical leap from what I did in school to what I do now. If I were teaching right now, would people be asking me when I'm planning to go back to school?  Would they be asking what's next?  While I may be wrong, I honestly think probably not. The job I do now comes with better pay, better time off, probably better benefits and in all likelihood a much higher level of personal satisfaction and enjoyment of my day than teaching would yet it seems that everyone is waiting for my next move.

The thing about school is that I've done it. I've done a lot of school and if may say so myself, I killed it. I get to class on time, take organized notes and, wait for it, actually enjoy writing papers and studying for exams. I know, it's totally sick.  I've done well in school and I've done enough of it that I've come out the other side with three (count 'em) three, degrees. These degrees have worked pretty well for me thus far in that I have a good job that I enjoy, yet for some reason the feeling that I get from the "what's next?" question is that I should be aiming for something, not necessarily more, but different.

When Wes and I first broke up (okay - maybe a few weeks later), I started getting asked "so...what are you going to do now?" I got asked this A LOT and when I say that, I mean, at least once a day on most days. What do you mean, what am I going to do now? I'm going to wake up every morning, feed my cats and go to work. I'm going to keep on living my life, yes - that one that has a giant gaping hole torn through it. My relationship was not a goal and as huge of a loss as that relationship has been, it wasn't the defining feature of my life. I am the defining feature in my life. 
I only mention this because that gut reaction of disbelief I feel when people ask me "what now" post Wes, is very similar to the one I get when people ask me "what now?" in terms of work and possibly going back to school.

I have a good job. It's one that challenges me, pays me sufficiently to render me independent and comfortable, provides me with kick-ass health benefits, leaves me with a sense of worth and satisfaction at the end of each day and as an added bonus, comes complete with a coworkers that I enjoy hugely. Why can't I just be working and living my life right now? Must there always be plan for what comes next? And in the absence of a plan (because what comes next will probably happen whether you plan for it or not) why is more school the default option?

In the near future there will be decisions to make and what-nexts to figure out but what happened to just enjoying the living part of life? That part of life with free time to read, where sleep deprivation is a thing of the past and re-emergence of sleep deprivationis so far in the future that you can't see it yet.   Where you work really hard each day and spend time with friends who make you laugh and who are there for hugs when you need them.  Where extra cash can be spent traveling and going to concerts, and extra time can be spent learning how to cook delicious food.  I'm not sure where the idea of this has gone but it is where I live right now.

Going back to school won't fill in the gaps in my life right now, it'll just give me homework. 

Two of my favorites...may 2012 bring them happiness and laughter.

January 1, 2012

Back to rights

 It's amazing that given how excited I am to put up all the twinkle lights and Christmas decorations after Thanksgiving, how relieved I am have it gone and my living room back to rights.

December 31, 2011

Goodbye Christmas tree, I'll see you again in 11 months.  Helloooooo clean and uncluttered living room.

Happy Dirty 30 Gabe!

Happy Birthday Gab! 

Be brave and bring a lable maker

Have I introduced you to the mad cuteness that is the Jackers?  Probably but let me do it again because I LOVE this little bugger!

Originally known as Blueberry Bullivant - the JackJack has reigned as El Presidente del Equipo de Divertido since his arrival.  This is the longest reign since the creation of Club Fun and one that from time to time leads me to contemplate instituting term limits in the bi-laws.  While he is currently quite benevolent, though adamant about adhering to meal times, I suspect that his leadership may get a bit more tumultuous come the Terrible Twos and I just can't rely on any of us to vote him out of power.   He's VERY charismatic. 

Anyhow, I digress.  A few months ago I visited Mashleigh and the Jackers and undertook the challenge of cleaning out and organizing the nursery.  The success of this project has given me the confidence to attack sorting through my old bedroom:

December 29, 2011

Wish me luck?

Coming Home

Leaving town for even just a few days tends to turn my kittehs into the worlds most affectionate and ridiculous animals

December 27, 2011

December 28, 2011

Snugly kittehs might not be the worlds best homecoming but they are what I have now and I am oh so grateful for them.

'Twas the Season for Celebrating

There aren't a whole lot of perks to having your parents live on a completely different side of the country.  I mean, it's not something that I lay awake at night worrying about but truth be told the distance makes the holidays matter more because its one of the few times a year that we're all together. 

December 24, 2011

This year was not one of our quieter holidays but it was...to choose a word...wonderful.  I never really saw this coming when Erica married Gabe but he brought a level of just plain fun to our holidays that wasn't there before. This year, the fun was mostly centered around professional sports and a certain someones fantasy football triumph. 

So Christmas day arrived, the presents were opened, egg sammiches and pecan rolls consumed and we all settled in for a cozy day of cooking, playing with our presents.

December 25, 2011

Amid the normal hubub of Christmas Day, you know, YouTube watching (surreally including The Lonely Island's Like a Boss), NRP Click 'n Clack listening and ascent to fantasy football fame recounting, came the banjo. 

Nobody knew that my mom has wanted a banjo for years, nobody that is except Papa.  So add to our usual Christmas hullabaloo a the da-da-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-dang of a banjo and we have ourselves a hum-dinger of a Kukulka-Blake Christmas.

December 24, 2011

It was a great weekend, probably made even better by the fact that having us all together only happens once every so often.  We watched football, meandered around downtown Minneapolis, saw a Timberwolves game and ate and drank amazing, home cooked food all weekend.  

December 26, 2011