I have a problem

I just looked back over my previous 3 posts...I am depressing myself. Why can't I write a carefree blog about...oh I don't know...baby elephants? Riverdance?

I feel compelled to say to myself:


:)

If I love splenda, then I want cancer. Wait...what!??!

I love Splenda. Yep, that little yellow package of chemicals specially designed to be indigestible by my digestive system sits disturbingly high on the list of technological discoveries that I would not want to live without. (Also on the list are air conditioning [common, I live in Florida after all,] text messaging and freezer pizzas.) Perfectly sweet without derailing attempts to control caloric consumption, this little baby gets my vote of confidence every day. Still, there’s something a little bizarre about how it foams when introduced to a liquid. Creepier still…the foam / fizz takes a while to dissipate. Can’t help but wonder about this. So there I was, 7:45 am and thinking “hmmm…I bet this shit causes cancer.” It was this foaming / fizzing phenomenon that got me to thinking about all of the different ‘causes’ of cancer. I work in Cancer research and know better than most the sad truth that, well... we just don’t know what causes it. So why do news reports keep claiming that we do? So, like the GenNext-er that I am, I commenced to Google.

Apparently (according to my googling) the top ten ‘causes’ of cancer are as follows: tobacco products, carcinogens, viruses, bacteria, genetic predisposition, nutrition, advanced age, sunlight, cellular phones and oral contraceptives. Some of these are quasi no-brainers. Tobacco (it’s covered in explicit warning labels,) and carcinogens (which are actually defined as “a substance or agent causing cancer.” My only response to this massively redundant point is an oh so eloquent….duh. Virus’ (like the Human Papilloma Virus [HPV]) and bacteria (h. pylori) are far more frightening, if only because we cannot control them. Emphasis falls almost solely on prevention and education since these viruses cannot be cured (only controlled) once contracted, and bacteria are largely opportunistic, generally infecting tissues weakened by already established cancer. Genetic predisposition, advanced age and sunlight?!?! I guess we’re all just screwed. Cellular telephones: I really thought that this one had been debunked; apparently it still proliferates despite a distinct lack of reliable proof. Nutrition (and obesity) has a pretty valid claim, I think we can all agree that prolonged disregard of the nutritional needs of your body will result in some less than pretty and positive outcomes. So we come to my favorite, oral contraceptives. Oral contraceptives are perhaps the most frustrating of all that make up this not-so-comprehensive list of carcinogens. Studies have shown that prolonged use of oral contraceptives increases a woman’s chances of breast, cervical and liver cancers. Simultaneously it decreases their chances of ovarian and endometrial cancer. WTF?! If you are like me, this list probably frustrated you a bit, makes you feel a bit helpless that some of the leading ‘causes’ of the terrifying C-word are things that you cannot control. Is that why we continually claim to have “figured it out?” Comfort in ‘knowing’ where it came from but impotent to change it?

Now I’m not saying that we should stop looking, or searching or asking these questions. (Heck - I'd be out of a job.) I’m not suggesting that we stop adjusting individual (and often inane or inconsequential) behaviors and commit to healthier more sustainable lifestyles. I’m suggesting that we stop pretending like we have all the answers. I’m suggesting that next time a smoker is diagnosed with lung cancer that we not all sigh internally and think “well, they should have stopped smoking.” If we’re going to take that attitude then we’re going to have stop going outside during daylight hours, eat a raw food diet (heterocyclic acid found in cooked meat = bad,) avoid alcohol, oral contraceptives, cellular phones and mass transit (bacteria proliferates after all.) No more Splenda, fluoridated water (i.e. all water,) caffeine, pasteurized or unpasteurized milk or x-rays when we break bones. If you burn your toast? Don’t eat that either. Also…stop masturbating, that’s been linked too.

It’s a frustratingly comprehensive list that’s discussed in the most absolute of terms. I know that articles espousing “now that we know the cause…we know the cure” are written to give hope to those battling a terrifying and dangerous disease. I don’t mean to demean or belittle that hope. They need it and we all need it. But does admitting that we don’t know it all yet preclude hope that there is a cure? That there are answers?

As for me, I’ll eat my orange every morning for breakfast, and wash it down with my foamy/fizzy coffee with Splenda.

I Believe in the Resiliency of the Human Soul

History shows us that we live in a world that has born and continues to bear witness to unimaginable suffering stemming anywhere from quirks of nature to ignorance and hatred. In terms of ranking, a broken heart doesn’t even register on the same scale as genocides, extreme suppression of expression and the denial of basic human rights, or true social tragedies. Nevertheless, mending a broken heart, a hurt that seemed indeterminable, has given me respect for and belief in the resiliency of the human soul.

A few months back, a person very dear to me walked out of my apartment and out of my life with no warning and very little true explanation. While I have always considered myself to be independent and strong, this loss laid me to a low that I had never experienced before. Generally a proponent of keeping personal issues away from the work place, I crumbled and spent days sitting in my coworkers’ cubicles just to be close to another human being while I grieved. I lost 30 pounds distressingly fast, cried in public more often than I ever would have considered acceptable, watched all 5 seasons of Grays Anatomy on DVD, left town every weekend for months and lost interest in everything from food, to sleep. As it always does though time passed and the fog slowly lifted. My soul began to heal.

This experience, though it may seem trivial in nature to some (and it is in some ways, though not in others) opened my heart to what my eyes see every day at work: how extraordinary the ability of the soul to heal truly is. Cancer (and its subsequent treatment) is a disease that emerges unexpectedly and has the ability to wreak havoc upon every aspect of a person’s life. I watch as adults and children alike suffer physically and mentally because of a genetic mutation that despite our best efforts, we can neither prevent nor explain. It is the epitome of senselessness. In this particular instance however, I speak not of the patients themselves but of their caretakers and families for the simple fact is that most of the patients I come in contact with, do not survive. Their families however, not only suffer psychologically in watching a loved one struggle, but they continue to suffer long after the disease has run its full course. Yet time and time again I witness these families turn their hurt into doing incredible good in the world. They volunteer both time and money to a wide range of charities. They return to say “thank you,” “hello”and“just checking in” to the nurses and doctors who cared for their loved ones. They support and continue the good things their loved one once did, and they add their own on time. They hurt, they grieve, they heal, and ultimately, they thrive.

Through this suffering however, time and time again I have been privy to triumphs of the human soul both large and small. I’ve seen people with more reason than most to be depressed, actively combat it and find the good, the hopeful, the funny and the redeeming. Through physical illness, financial hardship, crumbling relationships and wavering social structures these people stumble and sometimes fall but get back up, to fight another day. Many of the patients do die, but some do survive. I truly believe that those who do not, live on not only through their families and friends, but also through those of us who were lucky enough to meet them, even if towards the end of their life.

Hurt, whether exacted upon us by nature, by pure twist of fate, by other people or by ourselves inevitably leaves its mark. The time needed to grieve and deal can’t ever be predetermined but time taken to truly do so has a remarkable result: the soul heals. The wound made on my heart all those months ago is still healing, and I have no doubt that there will probably be a small scar to help me to remember. Still, the fact that something as simple as the warmth of the sun and a cup of coffee can bring a smile to my face again gives me hope for those who are currently grieving and those who will have to grieve in the future. They will suffer while their grief and despair run its course, but they will emerge on the other side, albeit one scar heavier, to enrich the world with the contribution of their life to the world.

365 days of forgiveness

"I believe in forgiveness. I give it freely and in doing so, free myself."
-- Yolanda Young

As I look back over the past year (yes - I know that this reflection is moderately trite but hey, it's my blog) trying to find a redeeming factor, life lesson or point in it all. There was a lot of hurt in this past year that came from a number of different angles. Some of the hurt has healed smoothly with no scars so to speak. Some of it has scarred over, it no longer hurts but the memory of the hurt is visibly present. Some of the marks, I suspect, will never fade entirely. (Not necessarily a bad thing.) Looking back over all of this I am primarily relieved that it's in the past but also find myself looking for the point, the purpose of it. I know that sometimes things are nonsensical and that looking for meaning is simply the human way making ourselves feel better. Still, if nothing else, I have learned that forgiveness is not only a gift to the person being forgiven, but an equally if not more valuable release to the giver.

I have learned that familial ties grow and change in leaps and bounds, not gradually. The introduction of new relationships of differing strengths and characteristics forces these old relationships to change, and sometimes these changes hurt. The hurt is worse when the changes in question are being enacted on something that, in its longevity we naively assumed to be unchangeable. So sure, it hurts and it takes more time than you might like to stop hurting. It might take longer than you'd like to truly forgive when you feel wronged or betrayed. But the forgiveness (on all sides) in the end forges new bonds. Stronger, more flexible, more appreciated and hopefully more able to endure.

I have learned to be more discriminating with the use of the term "friend," both expressed to others and within my own mind. The sting of false friendship is something that most people discover in secondary school, apparently I was sufficiently antisocial to have avoided this! Up until now. :) I can blame-game recently proved-to-be-false friendships on any number of circumstances and people but it all boils down to poorly placed trust. To rectify this within my own consciousness I concluded that such people (while not intentionally or or innately malicious) simply weren't deserving of my friendship or high regard. Along with this was an unrecognized belief that friendship and forgiveness be withheld together. Really though, it's the opposite: they don't deserve the energy that is inherently given towards a grudge, and forgiveness will free me. In forgiving their actions I free myself from wasting energy, from unwanted angst, and for more worthy people and things.

"The devils greatest achievement has been, to get people to believe, that he doesn't exist."
-- C.S. Lewis

Perhaps most difficult of all to forgive (and honestly, to even write about) is that of a broken heart, of deception and of disregard all by a loved one. We all have demons with which we struggle, but it seems to me that it is only when we deny their existence that we threaten ourselves (and more importantly) those closes to us. We have all done things that we regret, that hurt people unnecessarily and even cruelly. Do WE deserve to be forgiven for these actions? Do those who hurt US in such ways deserve to be forgiven? In this instance I believe that forgiveness can take two different forms. There is forgiveness without continuance. You can forgive a hurt, but that doesn't mean that you open yourself to be hurt again. I believe that this forgiveness should without doubt be given as soon as you have it within you to give. The risks are minimal and all that can come of it is personal freedom. Then there is forgiveness with continuance. The risks in forgiving someone and then letting them back in are high...however the rewards can be high also. Thinking back to instances in which I, though sincerely repentant for my actions, was not given that second chance. I wish that certain people could have forgiven me in this way, but sometimes you don't get to choose. I don't believe in giving forgiveness until it is genuine, and for me forgiving heartbreak and deception was the hardest I've ever had to work. I personally have gone the high-risk route...it may bite me in the ass, but thats okay. It's a "wisk" that I am willing to take!

I believe that holding grudges poisons the soul. Given this belief how can I not work towards forgiveness? 2008 kinda stunk. 2008 definitely left its mark. From the stinky-ness and hurt of 2008 I take the knowledge that while it may take time, patience and a whole lot of concerted work, that forgiveness is worth the effort.