"I believe in forgiveness. I give it freely and in doing so, free myself."
-- Yolanda Young
-- Yolanda Young
As I look back over the past year (yes - I know that this reflection is moderately trite but hey, it's my blog) trying to find a redeeming factor, life lesson or point in it all. There was a lot of hurt in this past year that came from a number of different angles. Some of the hurt has healed smoothly with no scars so to speak. Some of it has scarred over, it no longer hurts but the memory of the hurt is visibly present. Some of the marks, I suspect, will never fade entirely. (Not necessarily a bad thing.) Looking back over all of this I am primarily relieved that it's in the past but also find myself looking for the point, the purpose of it. I know that sometimes things are nonsensical and that looking for meaning is simply the human way making ourselves feel better. Still, if nothing else, I have learned that forgiveness is not only a gift to the person being forgiven, but an equally if not more valuable release to the giver.
I have learned that familial ties grow and change in leaps and bounds, not gradually. The introduction of new relationships of differing strengths and characteristics forces these old relationships to change, and sometimes these changes hurt. The hurt is worse when the changes in question are being enacted on something that, in its longevity we naively assumed to be unchangeable. So sure, it hurts and it takes more time than you might like to stop hurting. It might take longer than you'd like to truly forgive when you feel wronged or betrayed. But the forgiveness (on all sides) in the end forges new bonds. Stronger, more flexible, more appreciated and hopefully more able to endure.
I have learned to be more discriminating with the use of the term "friend," both expressed to others and within my own mind. The sting of false friendship is something that most people discover in secondary school, apparently I was sufficiently antisocial to have avoided this! Up until now. :) I can blame-game recently proved-to-be-false friendships on any number of circumstances and people but it all boils down to poorly placed trust. To rectify this within my own consciousness I concluded that such people (while not intentionally or or innately malicious) simply weren't deserving of my friendship or high regard. Along with this was an unrecognized belief that friendship and forgiveness be withheld together. Really though, it's the opposite: they don't deserve the energy that is inherently given towards a grudge, and forgiveness will free me. In forgiving their actions I free myself from wasting energy, from unwanted angst, and for more worthy people and things.
Perhaps most difficult of all to forgive (and honestly, to even write about) is that of a broken heart, of deception and of disregard all by a loved one. We all have demons with which we struggle, but it seems to me that it is only when we deny their existence that we threaten ourselves (and more importantly) those closes to us. We have all done things that we regret, that hurt people unnecessarily and even cruelly. Do WE deserve to be forgiven for these actions? Do those who hurt US in such ways deserve to be forgiven? In this instance I believe that forgiveness can take two different forms. There is forgiveness without continuance. You can forgive a hurt, but that doesn't mean that you open yourself to be hurt again. I believe that this forgiveness should without doubt be given as soon as you have it within you to give. The risks are minimal and all that can come of it is personal freedom. Then there is forgiveness with continuance. The risks in forgiving someone and then letting them back in are high...however the rewards can be high also. Thinking back to instances in which I, though sincerely repentant for my actions, was not given that second chance. I wish that certain people could have forgiven me in this way, but sometimes you don't get to choose. I don't believe in giving forgiveness until it is genuine, and for me forgiving heartbreak and deception was the hardest I've ever had to work. I personally have gone the high-risk route...it may bite me in the ass, but thats okay. It's a "wisk" that I am willing to take!
I believe that holding grudges poisons the soul. Given this belief how can I not work towards forgiveness? 2008 kinda stunk. 2008 definitely left its mark. From the stinky-ness and hurt of 2008 I take the knowledge that while it may take time, patience and a whole lot of concerted work, that forgiveness is worth the effort.
I have learned that familial ties grow and change in leaps and bounds, not gradually. The introduction of new relationships of differing strengths and characteristics forces these old relationships to change, and sometimes these changes hurt. The hurt is worse when the changes in question are being enacted on something that, in its longevity we naively assumed to be unchangeable. So sure, it hurts and it takes more time than you might like to stop hurting. It might take longer than you'd like to truly forgive when you feel wronged or betrayed. But the forgiveness (on all sides) in the end forges new bonds. Stronger, more flexible, more appreciated and hopefully more able to endure.
I have learned to be more discriminating with the use of the term "friend," both expressed to others and within my own mind. The sting of false friendship is something that most people discover in secondary school, apparently I was sufficiently antisocial to have avoided this! Up until now. :) I can blame-game recently proved-to-be-false friendships on any number of circumstances and people but it all boils down to poorly placed trust. To rectify this within my own consciousness I concluded that such people (while not intentionally or or innately malicious) simply weren't deserving of my friendship or high regard. Along with this was an unrecognized belief that friendship and forgiveness be withheld together. Really though, it's the opposite: they don't deserve the energy that is inherently given towards a grudge, and forgiveness will free me. In forgiving their actions I free myself from wasting energy, from unwanted angst, and for more worthy people and things.
"The devils greatest achievement has been, to get people to believe, that he doesn't exist."
-- C.S. Lewis
-- C.S. Lewis
I believe that holding grudges poisons the soul. Given this belief how can I not work towards forgiveness? 2008 kinda stunk. 2008 definitely left its mark. From the stinky-ness and hurt of 2008 I take the knowledge that while it may take time, patience and a whole lot of concerted work, that forgiveness is worth the effort.
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