sometimes the Universe just wants what it wants

I have officially stopped drinking the water at the University of Florida and it's not because it tastes bad and it's not because of the leigionella bacterium scare a few months back. As gross as back-spray born legionella is it pales in comparison to what is CLEARLY in the water now, because what is in the water now is nuclear strength baby-making, birth control thwarting germs. Babies, human babies, newly made, unborn and recently born are EVERYWHERE. Babies that will become human children are growing in the bellies of a shockingly high percentage of my female friends. While I share in their excitement and delight in starting or adding to their families, I sure as poopin' don't want to join their ranks.

Don't get me wrong, there are lots of amazing things about pregnancy. I think Hale Berry put it best after the Grammies in 2007: "It was amazing - I didn't have to hold in my tummy and I actually got to eat my dinner AND some of my husbands dinner too!" Still, I don't know that any amount of food can make up for things like episitotomies and until that changes I'm not drinking that damn water!

Then I was on the elevator this afternoon with three bottles of water brought from home when the other woman on the elevator opened her giant yap and said..."when is your baby due?"

Um...EXCUSE ME?!

"When is your baby due?"

I thought for a split second about making up a date just so that the remaining three floors worth of elevator ride wouldn't be insanely uncomfortable but fuck that, I'm already uncomfortable and she needed to share in that:

"I'm NOT pregnant."

Let's pause for a moment to appreciate the really uncommonly uncomfortable silence that then descended upon the 1329 Building elevator 3. She tried to break it and I have to say that in a moment of sheer self-serving vindictiveness I let it ride. The kind thing to do would have been to respond to her desperate attempts to dig herself out of the giant hole of Anna dislike. Apparently I am not kind. So lets take a moment to appreciate the deafening silence that settled
like quick dry cement around the woman who has earned the first permanent spot on my dislike list for the remaining three floors of ride:

.....

.....

.....

Okay, so I will admit (and hold on to your nipples because this may shock you) that I do not in fact have a super flat tummy. There may be a little bit more to love about me at the moment but pregnant? really? One would think that while cataloguing all of my other physical flaws in the mirror that I would notice a stomach protrusion large enough to house a human child no matter how fetal in nature.

After getting off the elevator I did what any reasonable person would do. I joked maniacally with my co-workers, pretended that it was funny instead of awful and then came home for a gut wrenching floor cry. Once I was finished with that and a good hour and a half of cardio I came to the only conclusion that a sane and rational person could come to: purify your water and take the damn stairs.