In so far as I can tell there are two kinds of stereotypes floating around in this world. One type is based on twisted, biased and inaccurate observations – the inaccuracy of the observation yielding an inaccurate and unfair stereotype. The other type stems from fairly objective observations, resulting in a reasonably accurate (if not flattering) reflection of our society, if not the individual. Some stereotypes are blatantly one or the other, easy to classify and comfortable to discuss in large groups at wine tasting (or some place equally as pretentious.) Others outwardly appear to belong to one group, but when you really think about it, they suddenly (and disconcertingly) clearly belong to the other.
There are a number of stereotypes that I’ve never liked, and a few that drive me absolutely batty. One in particular, directly applies to me and effects me – and so is the subject of this blog.
I truly disliked the movie Knocked Up and it wasn’t until I read an interview with Katherine Hiegle that I realized why. It was the stereotype that the movie not only embraced but propagated: that of the manipulative girlfriend/wife/baby-mama who attempts to exercise complete control over and ruin the lives of their boyfriend/husband/baby-daddy, who in turn, are portrayed as innocuous guys just looking to have fun. It’s a stereotype that drives me insane – the concept that women are here to tie down, restrict, run, control and destroy the men in their life, while these poor innocent fellows are just trying to have a little bit of innocent, fun. It drives me insane, all most women want is to have a good time with someone who is capable of being considerate and monitoring their own behavior as an adult. (“I’m a guy” is a crappy excuse for inconsiderate and bad behavior!) I always considered this stereotype to be of the first type – based on incorrect and unfair observation. Then I took a good hard look and realized that (while incorrect in its broad sweeping generalization and extremism) it does have a basis in our society.
The women of my generation are afforded more options in life than ever before. (I offer up mad props to the mothers and grandmothers for paving that way!) I believe that the increase in options and socially acceptable life-styles has resulted in a broadening of our standards of acceptability on many fronts. While still underrepresented, female doctors, CEO’s, lawyers, engineers and movie directors are making huge impacts on society in general. Marriage, which was once all but a foregone conclusion, is no longer a certainty. Women can now broadly lay claim to the education, opportunity, freedom and independence to support ourselves. Gone is the dependence on our fathers (until we got married and then our husbands) for security, comfort and legitimacy. All of these things are available to us as individuals and we no longer lack respectability in life without a man to provide it. (And this is not to say that our Mothers and Grandmothers were not these things, quite the contrary, they are the ones to do these things first, who made it possible for us to do them now. What they were lacking – was the social approbation that we are as lucky as to take for granted.) With all of these choices in front of us, we’ve get to be as experimental as a fat man at a buffet for as long as we want, and then become as picky as a food critic in New York City when it comes to more important and more permanent decisions. Through the freedom of experience and increased self-determination we often come to expect more from our careers, from ourselves, from our friends and from the men in our life. We are often no longer willing to overlook or settle or accept what we deem to be insufficient.
You may think that I am unfairly characterizing the women of previous generations as weak willed and willing to settle for less than they wanted in life – please don’t mistake me. Since the beginning of time there have been intelligent, strong, trailblazing women who made incredible contributions to society and made the people in their life toe a hard line. My criticism is upon the standards of our society – to which many women adhered to for many (voluntary and involuntary) reasons.
While the role of women in our society has changed drastically over the past half century, the definition of what it is to be a ‘man’ has not change very much at all. Little boys are still raised very similarly to how boys have been raised for years. They have been taught not to cry, to not be sissy or girly, and to be strong and successful and that certain behaviors will be overlooked because of their gender. Society teaches them that they should be the primary bread winner in a relationship, that they cannot control their hormones all of the time and that speaking of women in a derogatory manner isn’t necessarily unacceptable. Sadly for them, these men are now finding themselves growing up with, socializing with, dating and marrying definitively untraditional women. Even Anne Coulter, the poster girl for uber-conservative views, thwarts tradition in her independence, strong opinions, her ability to out debate most of the men who come her way and her incredible media success Even while she spews sermons regarding the return of traditional gender roles, Christian morals and a ‘wholesome’ society, the mere fact that she, a single, successful and well educated woman is on talk shows, news programs and being quoted in newspapers for having definitive (and by some) respected political opinions. That’s anything but ‘adhering to traditional gender roles.’
So here they are, trying to get away with the debauchery that for hundreds of years was seen as the prerogative of men, but they’re not getting away with it. Women don’t sit on the sidelines of life anymore, they go to bars and clubs, and they’re sexually active outside of marriage (and not ashamed of it!) They prioritize their professions, they travel, they have friendships with members of the both sexes that are often closer and more honest then those that some men are willing to offer within a romantic relationship. So here we are, demanding more (and most of the time getting it) while many men sit on the side lines and think…wtf?!?
So – in some ways the stereotype may be true. Women are demanding more. Women are demanding decency, respect and equality. But just because more is expected of these men than was expected of their fathers and grandfathers, that doesn’t make those expectations unreasonable, unattainable or wrong. It just means that they might have to work a little harder for good women in their lives.
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