Anna’s Top 3 Worst Online Openers of All Time*

Some situations in life are just inherently uncomfortable.

 Say “yes sir” to a ma’am on the phone.  Oops.

 Introducing yourself to someone…for the third time.  There’s nothing quite like that quietly irritated “we’ve met before” to make me squirm. 

 And then there’s writing a blind email to someone whose profile you saw on an online dating site which in my opinion,  re-writes the book on uncomfortable.

The initial “what’s up” email requires you to cautiously express interest while simultaneously conveying your hardcore awesomeness to a complete stranger.  It helps to be funny, or witty, or both and you have to do it in no more than five sentences.   To helpfully add to the challenge and discomfort as you try to compose this tidy little manifesto, the site chimes in occasionally with helpful little tips like: “your future match is 72% more likely to respond if you don’t use emoticons!”  (And while I’m on that train of thought: eff-that!   I’m an over-emoticon-er and it’s best that people know that up front.)

 My point is that writing an opening email is wicked awkward.  Some people are better than others, most of us do our best, and then there are those certain few rock stars who just close their eyes and swing for the fences.   Most of them get a little leeway just for the effort but from time to time, some are just down right spectacular in their horribleness and so in reverse order I bring you: 

Anna’s Top 3 Worst Online Openers of All Time*

 
#3: dunno wut to say.  Chat?,, text my cell: three5 2, 77six seventeen 2 six. (numbers have been changed .)

Wait…what does this even mean?  And who writes a phone number like that?

#2:  I may not be Fred Flintsone but I bet I can still make your Bedrock.  Email if interested.

Two things, first: Ew.  Second – did you just quote Young Money at me?

 

#1: Knock, knock, knock.  Is the sweet princess home?

As much as I wish that I were kidding on this one…I’m not.  I don’t think I could have made it up if I tried.  Some poor, unfortunate gentleman caller actually tried this, which in turn required me to call upon all of my self-control to keep from vomiting on my laptop.  The fact that this even got thrown down in writing begs the question: has this particular brand of patronizing, infantile nonsense work for him before? 

 

*And by "of all time" I mean the 6 months that I spent on Match.com