In some ways the quiet, heart-wrenching sadness of this blog seems to sum up this past week at work for me. People tend to assume that my work is sad when actually that is more the exception than the rule, so I'm not sure why this week at work has felt so sad to me when nothing particularly sad has happened.
I've started changing gears at work, moving from acute processes that are terrible and impossible to deny but fast, to more chronic processes like myelofibrosis and multiple myeloma that are just as terrible but slower, different. The early stages of these chronic diseases can be a little ambiguous, patients overall feel fine and they can pretend that it isn't happening, that they aren't sick. I don't want to call it false hope but there's a hard reality that comes with chronic illness. I guess this week I learned how difficult it is to be the reminder of reality. There's only so many times you can be asked "how long will I need this treatment" and wait for it to hit home when I have to say: until it stops working. I know that I am far from the only person saying this. I'm often in the room when they hear it from their doctor, but I'm also the easiest person to get on the phone and the person with the time to say it over and over again. As many times as they need to ask it, I will answer it.
Over the past five years I've seen a lot and I've learned a lot. I'm sure that I'll learn how to do this too. I'll learn how to do this and I'll even learn to find the honor in it. This week though I'm still learning and I'm a little overwhelmed by the sadness.
After a week like this I need a ticklish baby penguin named Cookie, and thanks to the miracle that is the internet, I have it!
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