Frustrated on a Friday

“I wish to be as I am and not as the world would have me be. For that reason, I am a feminist.”

I know that through this blog I’ve gotten a bit of a reputation. I talk a lot about feminist issues, about inequity and about relationships. People may and probably do assume that I am a raging feminist, that I am overly serious, over-reactionary and possibly have too much time on my hands. All of the above may be true, but when all is said and done, I don’t think that I am wrong.

Someone commented last night that they didn’t understand my feminist rage (there had been discussion as to whether the term ‘slut’ is more derogatory towards women than men or not) when the men of our generation “fear” their girlfriends more than anything. Fear, is not respect. It is not equality and if anything, it’s most likely condescension. I feel bad though because I rather jumped down this person’s throat over this comment. It was a reaction that they did not deserve as we were simply having a conversation, not to mention the fact that they had done nothing but be very kind that day, and the previous week for that matter.

It was once argued to me that my feminist agenda and belief that sexism is still prevalent both professionally and in society at large, could not possibly be legitimate since a woman (Hillary Clinton) was a viable candidate for the Democratic Presidential nominee, and yet another woman (Sarah Palin) was the Republican Vice-Presidential nominee. While that is great and it was good to see women visible in the political arena – it doesn’t negate everything else. It doesn’t change the fact that, all qualifications and experience being equal, a man will be hired to a job position over me. It doesn’t change the fact that my male peers make more money than I do for the same work, and that earnings discrepancy will only increase over time. And every time a man has a strong reaction or gets angry at work, nobody will peg them as ‘emotional’ or wonder if ‘it’s that time of the month.’

I know that I may come off sounding angry and very single-minded on these issues, but today, I find myself more distressed and worried than anything else. Where do I go from here? How do we fight these stereotypes and still get to be who we are? I have emotions. They do not affect my ability to be excellent at what I do. Yet those two things, emotions and professionalism seem to be mutually exclusive to each other in the mind of society.

A friend of mine finds herself in a situation at work, where her work is being openly attacked by a male co-worker in a condescending and inappropriate way. This co-worker has disrespected her as a peer, calling her derogatory names behind her back and spreading unfounded rumors. He has currently taken it upon himself to be involved in the development of a project (her project) that has nothing to do with him. Any man in a similar scenario would have lost it by now, told the guy to back the f off and keep his hands of his research and then gone on his merry way. Such posturing does not work for women. She’ll be pegged as emotional, as paranoid and as irrational. She finds herself at an impasse. Having been the bigger person, ignored the rumors and not engaged in petty in-fighting only to have this behavior continue she still cannot fight back and defend herself. So what are we to do? Accept that despite excellent work quality and professionalism, we will still be targets of rumor, gossip and professional attack. Accept that self defense in this scenario will only result in the reputation of being emotional and ‘crazy.’ Refuse to engage? Then you’re cold and bitchy. It’s a lose lose.

I think that it is watching a friend go through this, and realizing that I don’t know what to do about it is what has gotten me so disturbed. This isn’t something in the past. This isn’t some abstract concept of inequality. Sexism has become increasingly less pervasive in past decades but that doesn’t mean that it is gone. If anything, the fact that people want to believe its gone can make it even harder to fight against. It frustrates me that I can never lose my temper at work. It frustrates me that my potential as an employee is less for the next two decades because of the latent possibility that I might want to start a family and that might interfere with my work. I hate that if/when I do have a family, I’ll face criticism from society whether I become a stay-at-home mom or a working mom.

So…I’ll keep going to work each day and I’ll do my best to prove that my gender is not a check in the minus column. I just wish that I didn’t so helpless against it sometimes.