Say “yes sir” to a ma’am on the phone. Oops.
The initial “what’s up” email
requires you to cautiously express interest while simultaneously conveying your
hardcore awesomeness to a complete stranger.
It helps to be funny, or witty, or both and you have to do it in no more
than five sentences. To helpfully add to the challenge and discomfort
as you try to compose this tidy little manifesto, the site chimes in
occasionally with helpful little tips like: “your future match is 72% more
likely to respond if you don’t use emoticons!”
(And while I’m on that train of thought: eff-that! I’m an over-emoticon-er and it’s best that
people know that up front.)
Anna’s Top 3 Worst Online Openers of All Time*
#3: dunno wut to say. Chat?,, text my cell: three5 2, 77six seventeen 2 six. (numbers have been changed .)
Wait…what does this even
mean? And who writes a phone number like
that?
#2: I may
not be Fred Flintsone but I bet I can still make your Bedrock. Email if interested.
Two things, first: Ew. Second – did you just quote Young Money at
me?
#1: Knock, knock, knock. Is the
sweet princess home?
As much as I wish that I were
kidding on this one…I’m not. I don’t
think I could have made it up if I tried.
Some poor, unfortunate gentleman caller actually tried this, which in
turn required me to call upon all of my self-control to keep from vomiting on
my laptop. The fact that this even got
thrown down in writing begs the question: has this particular brand of patronizing,
infantile nonsense work for him before?
*And by "of all time" I mean the 6 months that I spent on Match.com
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