You Get What You Wish For

Years ago I added "live alone" to my list of things that I wanted to do in my life.  To be quite honest, I'm not quite sure why I felt like living alone was such an achievement or why I felt that it was something I needed so badly.  I've sat here for over an hour trying to remember and I've got nothing, but the fact still stands that younger Anna felt I needed it.

Living alone is nothing like I expected in that I didn't expect to be doing it at 28 and single.  I didn't expect to be doing it in the aftermath of some of the most heart-wrenching decisions I've had to make so far in my life.  I didn't expect to being doing it with two cats.  I didn't expect it to be as easy as it has been.  I didn't expect to find the heavy, imperturbable silence when I walk in the door comforting in a lonesome way.  I honestly don't know what I did expect but for all the good and the bad, I am grateful for it. I suspect that short-term I would have been more grateful had it never been necessary, but that in the long-term I will be better off for it since it takes a sheer force of will not not learn a lot about oneself when living alone.

Some day I may be able to remember what exactly my expectations were and decide if I've fallen short, met or exceeded them.  One of the few things that I do know to be true though, is that twinkle lights make a place homey when it feels just a little too empty.

April 16, 2012