To make up for my recent negativity:

HUGS ALL AROUND!!

I have a bag of shhh with your name on it....

If a certain someone re-tells the tale of their not so remarkable weekend of drinking by a pool (which p.s. is what everyone does in Florida on the weekends, it's too goddamn hot to do anything else) ONE MORE GOD FORSAKEN TIME someone (ahem) might get hurt.

and if said person follows up their weekend synopsis with how super unfair it is that they are expected to WORK a Monday (which I might argue they are not given the fact that this blog needed to be written) ONE MORE GOD FORSAKEN TIME...said injuries may become increasingly severe.

just sayin' is all.

sometimes...

sometimes I leave just oooone mini pretzel in the bottom of the bag when I throw it out, just so I can say to myself "no, no...I have portion control, i didn't even finish the mini bag of pretzels."

FTFR

FTFR: whatever that chain letter that you just emailed me promised you? IT WON'T DELIVER!!


Now I understand that moments hesitation when you read it and think:

"hrmm...what IF Bill Gates really WILL send me an unrealistic amount of money to ping this email to 50 of my closest friends?"

Or

"could it really hurt to send this on?"

I beg of you though, push through that moment and remember the the respective answers are: "no he won't" and "yes it will, because if it won't, I will."

I understand that these emails are geniously crafted to beguile and draw you in but please...resist.

Those 'rules' that suck you in as soon as you've laid eyes on them that warn you "there's no turning back!" or "this is the real deal!" They are lies. You CAN and MUST turn back. You will not have 80 years of bad luck because you did not piss me off by clogging my inbox, rather you've invoked my ire which truthfully, should scare you more than a lifetime of hypothetical bad luck.

Apologizing at the beginning of the forward for forwarding it in the first place? Yeah, that's not conciliatory at all. Just like The Rock says, "it doesn't matter!"

Please oh dear jeebus...unless it made you laugh out loud...don't send it on.

And too the next person who sends the "Footprints in the Sand" forward to me? I will re-forward it back to you as many time as a day, for as many days as it takes to bring you to your knees to make it stop.

Adventures before 7:30 AM

I woke up yesterday around 3:15 in the morning and could not go back to sleep. Drat. Around 5:15ish I gave up and just got up as I have previously determined that laying with my eyes closed does not in fact equate sleep. The restorative capabilities are quite disparate. In retrospect I maybe should have stayed in bed.

From my long and not-so-arduous journey to 7:30 AM, I ascertained the following things:

1. whisting shrieking shower heads are significantly more unpleasant and head splitting at 5:30 am than they are at 5:30 pm

2. changing your shirt 20 times does not, in fact, make your skirt fit better. I hear that exercise works but my parents are in town and I just can't take the time away from our intense eating and drinking schedule to find out.

3. One should never run red lights.

3a. City bus' should never run red lights

3b. Dora has spectacular reversing capabilities that prevented an Anna-Pancake from being made in the middle of 51st and 16th by said red light running bus

4. Skipping a coffee stop in order to ensure getting a spot in the close garage may seem like a smart plan, but when your are faced with no spots in the garage after all (at...ahem...6:17 am) you are required to deal with your fury without a coffee in hand or even the prospect of having coffee in hand.

5. Kindles are a very covert means of reading during a meeting, unless your book happens to be funny and you are unable to contain yourself in a moment of hilarity and snort coffee all over yourself. What?!? Is it not appropriate to snort with glee while people are discussing cancer treatment?!

Zinger of the Day

Zinger of the Day:
Zinger (n.) - a striking or amusing or caustic remark.

Drunken Chaz Mafia Man: your research is pointless...oh, sorry didn't mean to offend you...

Meredith: oh don't worry about it, you already did.

Lesson learned here? saying "no offense" after the fact doesn't make your ill advised comment less offensive. :)

I love...

While I usually view eating yogurt as a Sunday morning punishment for all my eating excesses from the previous week...this boarders on dessert-like.

A Barackaful Birthday

"Barack Obama clears his schedule today and takes a break from...." running the country?!?! in order to attend birthday week!?!?

(okay so maybe he's just breaking from fighting for his health care reform to do some other presidential duty, but the more I think about it the better sense it makes...look at all the things we'd have in common!.)

9 AM: Coffee with the Obamas.

10 AM: Doggie play date. (I suspect that Matilda and Bo would become fast friends. That is, once Matilda has extracted herself from whatever tree she will inevitably be hiding behind.)

11 AM: Anna and Barack (because at this point, we would clearly be on a first name basis) play a little basketball. (A game of H.O.R.S.E maybe, possibly a little pick-up one-on-one, or two-on-two if the Secret Service gets involved...who knows!)

12 PM: Wheels up on AirForce1, en route to Hawaii

12:30 PM: Anna and Barack have some lunch (complete with produce from the White House Garden. :)

12:30 - 1:30 PM: Anna and Barack discuss current events.

1:30 - 2 PM: nap time (I mean - it is birthday day after all..and seriously, my good friend Barack looks like he could use a little extra sleep. Poor guy looks like he has the worries of the free world on his shoulders...)

2 PM - 3 PM: Anna and Barack kick back with a few beers. (Bud Light for him, a Full Sail Pale Ale for me.)

3:10 PM : Wheels down in Hawaii

3:45 - 5:30: Body surfing in Hawaii

I mean, for serious...how great would that be?

Universe - O Anna - 1: SoMuchToSay holds forth on the Health Care debate

So there’s this whole health care reform hullabaloo going on right now. Town hall meetings are turning into Come-to-Jesus throw downs, a lady with several missing teeth crying about ‘her America’ being taken away has been turned into a sound bite, Rush Limbaugh is looking positively apoplectic and some guy is walking around with a picture of a tree with a gun strapped to his thigh. It appears that if talk of reform isn’t a harbinger of the apocalypse, the protests against it might be.

Now, I admit that I haven’t really been paying very close attention but I’m up to date on the basics:

• Lots of Americans have no or inadequate health insurance
• The GOP believes that this isn’t a problem
• We don’t really know how to fix this health care problem
• Obama suggests that the government should subsidize health care
• According to the GOP dictionary the term “subsidized health care” is synonymous with communism, socialism AND fascism. (I'm pretty sure that this is impossible but whateves.)
  

My thoughts on the topic are as follows:

• I am finding it rather difficult to be vehemently for or against a plan that doesn’t exist yet.

• The whole Thomas Jefferson quote regarding the Tree of liberty:

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.”

That was a little creepy in the 1770s and it still is now. However, this does bring me to something that I’ve been festering over for quite some time now. This comparison of the Colonists in the American Revolution and Republicans now? Well son, it just don’t work. American colonists were fighting because they were not directly represented in Parliament, whereas Republicans are (and have consistently been since our government was formed) represented in Congress by directly elected representatives. You are not being repressed. You just lost. Now, I understand that losing sucks, trust me, the vast majority of my voting tenure has been marked by defeat. Seriously though, please oh dear GOP, find a historically accurate analogy.

• Death Boards, if that’s what we are going to call them, already exist. They’re just run by doctors employed by your insurance company rather than those employed by the government

• I strongly suspect that many who are currently opposing health care reform at the top of their lungs have have had very little interaction with their insurance company. After months of scintillating debate with BlueCross BlueShield in regards to the necessity my having received chemotherapy for diagnosed cancer, I have learned that nobody is less cooperative or helpful than insurance companies. This includes Post Office employees, the IRS, University of Florida Registrar, DMV employees and cops after you've called them "orciffer."

• Do you like Winston Churchill? Seriously, everyone likes Winston Churchill. He’s the guy who brought down the Nazi regime! Saved thousands of Jewish children with the Kinder Transport! Adopted the crazy sleep-for-15-minutes-every-2-hours system of the Souix Indian Warriors! Seriously, what’s not to like? This is cool stuff! Oh…except for the fact that he basically invented socialized health care in England. Super cool and smart guy who (much like our dear President Obama) recognized that even poor people need health care.
  

• Can we please stop using the Canadian and British socialized medical systems as the main source of comparison? This is as ineffective as No Child Left Behind being modeled on a failed system of scholastic assessment. Let’s take a looksie at say…France? They may have gotten their ass kicked in every military conflict since Napoleon was exiled but their medical system seems to be working quite well.
  

• Barack Obama is a natural born citizen – get over it.

temporarily thwarted by the universe

The Universe clearly doesn't want me to post my recently written blog on the health care debate -- it's refusing to let me format so as to create an aesthetically pleasing blog.

No worries oh gentle readers, soon I shall triumph and your curiosity regarding my opinion on Health Care reform will be satiated.

I wonder what kind karmic smack I'm going the right way for with this perseverance?

I love...

watching the 1/2 and 1/2 swirl into my coffee in the morning :)

Asked...and answered

Cellular
Telephone + a dip in glass of tap water + bag of rice = 86 cell phone :(

BUT

Cellular
Telephone + basking in a chlorinated hot tub + 24 hours = perfectly working cell phone

Cellular
Telephone + toilet bowl + 24 hours + Clorox Bleach wipes = perfectly working cell phone

Cellular paper towels
Telephone + chlorinated pool + and a bag of rice = perfectly working cell phone


It's true - according to the above clinical trial performed between June 2007 and July 2009, tap water spells demise for cellular telephones.

Should you find yourself with a wet, non-functioning telephone we recommend that you disassemble said phone and wrap the main components in absorbent paper towels. Place the paper-towel-wrapped phone in a bag with dry rice and place bag in a warm dry place for +/- 24 hours, turning occasionally.

You Should Not Read This Blog If:

(a page taken from the genius blog that is Dooce)

1. You are looking for profound or meaningful entries

2. You are offended by any of the following:
- Feminism
- Democrats
- Typos
-Diatribes
-The concept of social responsibility
-Sex Ed.
-Omnivores
-Sandwiches

3. You plan to criticize or attempt to thwart my allegiance to Diet Coke and Splenda. (Though not together, since Diet Coke w/ Splenda is surprisingly gross)

4. You feel overwhelming fury when G-Dub is criticized AND you dislike the feeling of overwhelming fury.

5. You don't enjoy the occasional in depth analysis of minutiae .

6. You anticipate consistency of form or content

7. Occasional to rampant profanity offends your delicate soul

8. You are not amused by the occasional Rick-Roll

9. You can't, at least occasionally, appreciate bad music

Please note:

If you are going to post a snarky/quippy facebook status or Tweet...check for typos and spelling errors.

Yes, I know what you're getting but you're also seriously opening yourself up for attack.

I love...

80's night. Thus...the birthday party this year will require 80s garb. don't even think about shown' yo' face w/o a scrunchie, some leg warmers or at least a dayglo shirt!

I love...

that while inconvenient at times, the weather is considerate enough to monsoon on a schedule.

Over-achieving Spiders at 4000 NW 51st Street

The spiders at my apartment are extraordinarily determined.

Despite the fact that I lumber through their webs each and every morning and afternoon, they persist in weaving them again.

They have yet to be discouraged.

I am, in fact developing an strong aversion to the ghostly tickly feeling of ravaged spider silk on my arms and face. It might be PTSD. I often think I feel it when it's not even there.

I wish that they would give up and weave their webs elsewhere.

Based on the half frightened half irritated face I saw peaking through the curtains as I did my ritual Rid-Myself-Of-Spiders dance on the bottom stair this morning, I suspect that my downstairs neighbor wishes this too.

Consequences of coming clean on a blog:

Laura: So this morning I thought: hey, I'll see if Anna has any words of wisdom today...and that's what I found. The solution to my mystery of missing water.

Laura: ....sadly for you it wasn't really bottled water...it a refill job (rinsed out between uses, of course. Hopefully you catch one of my many mystery diseases.

The Thief: :( I didn't realize it until this morning that it was yours.

Laura: My initials sharpied on the cap might have tipped you off...

The Thief: I feel quite guilty.

Laura: I'm not worried, but maybe your immune system should be.

The Thief: I actually spent most of the morning deciding if I should fess up to that. on a more positive note for me, since you checked my blog today, my reader count might be up to 4!!

Laura: yeah baby!!

The Thief: I'm so totally going places man

Laura: You are ALMOST famous.

.....

Laura: Is that you choking on my water?

The Thief: that's me choking, but it's not your water...I drank that yesterday

Laura: damn. it's better this way. I don't want a law suit.

The Thief: I'm sure I know some super overachiever from high school who has passed the bar exam who would represent me.

Laura: I imagine that they would go to bat for you and then sue me for 1M b/c you choked on my water. You crazy liberals!

The Thief: hrmm...that might not be a bad plan. Said overachievers must be open to obscenely overly-litigious suits since they're just starting their careers right? No time like the present to start building a reputation as a schister

Laura: exactly

The Thief: sooo, do you mind if use your first name in my blog? or would you prefer a pseudonym?

Laura: I notice that not being referenced is not an option.

Anna: Nobody is exempt.

Laura: well, I'm not in the witness protection any more so we should be good.

Please note:

I think I stole a co-workers bottled water from the fridge:

I am officially THAT co-worker.

My most ardent apologies go out to Laura. :(

Guest Blog: introducing...Ashleigh!! (who, by decree of Anna, is now La Presidenta of Club Fun!)

Birthday month = dessert

Imagine you're out to dinner at a favorite restaurant... the food, the drinks, and the service have all been fabulous (after all, it's your favorite restaurant for a reason). You are satisfied. You are happy. All of a sudden, you think - dessert! I need dessert! Now, do you truly need that creme brulee or key lime pie or tempura cheesecake slice? No, of course you don't... but on occasion, every once in a while, just to keep things interesting, you get it anyway.

Birthday month is like that dessert. Life is good. Life is fulfilling. But for one month out of the year, you declare that one day for a birthday is not enough... you take the whole month. Other holidays have seasons - Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween - in honor of which people adorn themselves, their homes, their workspaces and their yards accordingly. Why not a season for your own personal holiday?

And a personal holiday it is... birthday month is not about other people doing things for you. Don't misunderstand - birthday month welcomes all who wish to join in the celebration. But birthday month isn't about the party so much as it is about person. It is about stopping to find out what you'd truly like - and using the month of your birth as a fine excuse for getting it or trying it or doing it or not doing anything. Wanna stay in your PJs an extra hour on Saturday? Knock yourself out - it's birthday month. Need an excuse to take a beginner's guitar class? Birthday month. Want dessert? You get the idea...

Birthday Flowers are even prettier today:

Teach you to ignore my plea!

Since my open call for low-carb dinners and food options received such an underwhelming response (and when I say underwhelming, I mean 100% completely ignored on all fronts,) I have decided to torture my 3 of so loyal readers with the food options that I have creatively come up with on my own. :)

Today is Day 3 1/2 of low-carb lifestyle. While misery and overt crankiness has yet to set in, I have no fear that it shall shortly. Until then fair readers!

TANGY SLAW RECIPE:

- 3 TBL plain Greek yogurt (original recipe called for sour cream but I found Greek yogurt to be and exceptionally tasty substitute)
- 1/4 C orange juice
- 2 TBL lime juice
- 1 Jalapeño - un-seeded and minced
- 1 C corn kernels
- Chopped fresh cilantro to taste
- Salt and Pepper to taste ]

Combine all ingredients in a small bowl and whisk together (<-- I used on of the Club Fun Wisks Ashleigh!!) until fully encorporated. Pour over +/- 3 cups broccoli or cabbage slaw. Toss well and allow to marinate for at least 10 - 20 minutes.

I used this slaw to make blackened shrimp wraps: blackened shrimpies, sliced avocado and a heaping helping of slaw...scrumptious!

Please note:

a good way to annoy Anna:
compulsively jiggle your foot while sitting in a meeting so that the rest of your body shakes

a better way to annoy Anna:
compulsively jiggle your foot so that it knocks against your other shoe...rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap

the best way to annoy Anna:
syncopate your shoe jiggling with the guy jiggling his foot next to you

A memo from cubicle land

sounds of a power outage in cubicle land:

oh!

oh my!

daaaaamn!

uhhh-huh!

I didn't save!

eeek!

oh gosh!

oh give 'er bickes!! if this isn't the kissie slice! (<-- Note: I MUST find this person!)

Birthday Month Flowers

Birthday month is super amazing sometimes :)

Anatomy of a run

[10 AM:] Maybe if I wear my gym clothes all day I’ll be more inclined to go running….

[6 hours later:] I’m wearing gym clothes; I should go to the gym… but leave the house? Urgh. Hrmm…oooh! FIRM tape! …Damn, need weights for this thing…canned food? No. Sigh…curling 8 oz of black beans probably won’t do me much good.

Running…hrrrrm…

Fine.

I’ve got new music, it’ll be quick and then it’ll be over.

GOD DAMN it’s hot out here

Oh! Ruby Blue for warm up! I love you Roisin Murphy

One, two, three, four…. one, two, three, four…. one, two, three, four…. one, two, three, four…SHIT! Stop counting

…..

one, two, three, four…. one, two, three, four…

this is going to be a very long run if…Britney! Dum dum dum..oh! dum dum dum oh! I’m-Miss-American dream-since- I-was-17-don’t-matter-if-I-step-on-the-scene-or-slink-away-to
-the-Philippines….wow, this IS totally auto-tuned. Still don’t care.

oh, I’m doing good today…that’s where I stopped to walk last time and I’m barely breathing hard! Sweet!

Damn, now I’m out of breath…that’s what I get for being cocky, keep going, it’s harder once you’ve stopped the first time…keep going

Did I really think that this would be ‘quick?!?”

Ho…ho…holy god! Can’t breathe…must….push….to….next mailbox…. one, two, three, four…. one, two, three, four…. one, two, three, four…. one, two, three, four….MADE IT!

Wish I had pockets for my nano, I hope my sweat doesn’t short it out. That would suck. I think that happened to Matt, but Matt runs further than I do….he also sweats more. Would it stay if I stuck it in my sports bra? Nope.

I-got-that-boom-boom-POW-these-chickens-be-jackin-my-style……and we’re running again…boom-boom-POW!!! Space-ship-zoooom! Does Beyonce really since while running? That’s f-in nuts.

Ooh! Half way! I can see the street! Huff…huff…crap breathing really hard again….great , right as I get to the main road where people in their cars with think I’m a slacker. Why don’t I ever remember to reverse this so that my best performance happens on the main road?!?

Stop being a teenager, nobody driving by cares if you're running or walking. .

Yes they do, remember what you thought when you saw that oddly shaped man running the other day?

Yeah, but most people are nicer than you.

No they're not.

I know.

one, two, three, four….okay, focus. Focus Anna, FOCUS!! On what?!? On….trampolines, water (really really thirsty right now), okay not water…your butt as it shrinks??

More like undulates.

eww...okay…not that either…one, two, three, four…. one, two, three, four….

Focus on…umm…oh! Running form! Relax arms, swing gently, pretend you’re pulling hay from your pockets. ..who the hell came up with that? Seriously, who knows what it’s actually like to pull hay from your pockets…dumb….see, now you’re running well! You probably even look graceful!

La-da-da-da-da-hey-hey-goodbyeeeeeeeee! Jay-Z’s rockin’ some electric guitar…is that a saxophone?! This might be my only running song with a brass section involved…

La-da-da-da…hey-hey-goodbyeeeeee!

I bet those people smoking cigarettes in front of Kazboors are totally impressed by my running..wait?! is that me in the window?!? So much for graceful...what exactly would we call that? Galumping? Yeah, I’m definitely galumping….

mmmm…beer….

Tuuuurning….up the hill…..in the home stretch….pick up the pace…okay I’m gonna need better musica...ahhh, Pitbull!

Onetwothreefour….onetwothreefour….why do I like Spanish rap so much? I have no idea what he’s…(gasp for breath) talking about. Seriously (gasp) you know its (gasp) bad when you (gasp) can’t (gasp) think without (gasp) remembering (gasp) to breathe….

Onetwothreefour….onetwothreefour…. Onetwothreefour….onetwothreefour…. Onetwothreefour….onetwothreefour….

Gasp….gasp….gasp….why is that dog staring at me? I hope it’s (gasp) not thinking about eating me, ‘cause I can’t run away if it does….

aaaand…..FIN!!